Self love is a journey. It should not be decided on in one moment, or started and ended, but rather it be a value to be carried through your entire life.
When you watch your mother struggle through your childhood, it is very possible to carry that with you in your own life. To make it your own. When she struggles so hard that she is no longer able to care for you, how do you find love for yourself? There is no lack of love from other family in times like those, but in fact, quite the opposite. There are no words strong enough, no hugs or kisses big enough to mend that kind of wound. But, isn’t it true that wounds are where the light enters?
Dancing, playing sports and staying busy are very useful tools to learn to love yourself. Finding activities and hobbies that increase endorphins and get the creative juices flowing are also good ways to find pride in yourself. They can be therapeutic outlets. It’s a start, but why don’t they stop the adolescent sleep walking at night, or the intense amount of misunderstood anger in your teens? Talking it out always helps, although reaching out can sometimes seem quite daunting. Getting your feelings out on paper can be your neutral ground instead of taking it out on the ones who love you. But, for some incredibly unfortunate reason, these positive steps cannot fill that empty sphere in the pit of your stomach. When the positive steps don’t work, then what?
When your hormones are raging, it’s easy to find parts of your missing self in others. Your personality is temporarily influenced entirely by your peers and the people you attach yourself to. You look for love and acceptance everywhere but inside yourself, and create unhealthy, emotionally damaging attachments to the opposite sex – only to constantly be reminded of how alone you really feel. You feel threatened by others of the same sex, as if they are going to take everything from you, judge you for your size, your clothes, where you came from, who you’re with. It’s easy to feed your ego with empty love from partners because they steal your sexual energy and turn it into even more darkness than what you already had inside of you. So you keep reaching, keep searching and looking for love in everyone but yourself. You take negative steps and find out that empty gut sphere is now eating away at the remaining positive parts of you.
Then, you are blessed with the greatest gift life can offer. Your suffering is temporarily blinded by pure love. A baby. The rush and flood of emotions as you look at the test with two very bright red lines is overwhelming. You start crying. And then sobbing. And all of the thoughts of “How did this happen? Am I going to be okay? I’m so happy! I’m terrified!”. You realize that an entirely NEW journey has started, and another life has been added to it. That fresh and beautifully blank notebook is waiting to be filled with all of your thoughts, experiences and tear drippings from the life that is to come. There are moments, though, when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders in what is supposed to be the most beautiful time of your life. It reminds you of that suffering. It’s definitely still there. But the ability to feel it is on hold. Nothing else matters. Only Her. She came into this world, at the exact, perfect time. She started her own journey, while creating a harmonious connection between Ego and Self for her mother.
You find out you are driven by the ego, the protective wall that you have spent so many years building. It blocks everything that (as you find out later in the self love journey) actually feeds your soul. The ego is the part of the mind that goes between conscious and subconscious, testing reality and your sense for personal identity. That part of the ego that looks for love in others is still present, though. It is kind of like an insecurity leach. That childhood pain has carried through to adulthood, and releasing it seems next to impossible. No matter how much writing, drawing, crying, exercising, or loving you do, it will NOT go away. But, coming to the realization that emotions are very much a human characteristic, creates a new thought wave. What if, we just decide that insecurities are emotions tied to our pain, driven by our ego? Can we have those talks that have taken a lifetime to build the courage for? Can we practice recognizing our insecurities and put them to rest with love and acceptance?
We must remember that everyone has their own Self Love Journey, and it is a life time book of experience, broken down into paragraphs and chapters. Each word teaches you how to move to the next. Each character brings something new and exciting. The ones who teach you the deepest lessons remain throughout the entire book. This, has been the preface to mine.